I've forgiven myself for the mistakes I've made.
Now there's just one thing, the only thing I wanna do,
I wanna love somebody,
Love somebody like you.
Yeah, I wanna feel the sunshine,
Shinin' down on me and you.
When you put your arms around me,
You let me know there's nothing in this world I can't do.
-Keith Urban "Somebody Like You"
Twelfth Night, Act iii, Sc.1
Things go from Good, to bad, to worse, first the good:I've gotten a job at a warehouse store chain as a cashier making good money. Ontop of that it looks like I'll be working about 25 hours a week, I'll be saving up a lot of money. But money for what? Soon my wife Mae will be back up in nothern california and I'll be down here, making good money, dying inside, the way I am now. My mother is expecting me to stay down here and continue to work. She asked what I would be doing after the 90 day probation period. I told her that I don't know even if I'd stay that long, that I wanted to be back up north with Mae. She proceed to ask, "Well why do you want to go and throw you're future away?" I sat there, not continuing the discussion knowing I would become irrational. How could I explain to her that Mae was my future? I love her, I am in love with her. There are no words in the english language or any other I know to express the depth of how I feel. It can only truly be understood when we look into eacthothers eyes.I know my mother still thinks of me as her little girl with a girl she loves but is just a teenaged love thing Or, maybe, she does accept the fact we are partners, but thinks it can't possibly last because we are young and haven't been through anything. Mae and I have been through more then possibly some couple who have been together 5 years. My mother has always told me I have an old heart and soul, so why does she judge my capacity to love on my physical age, for it is only the physical world that seperates my wife and I, nothing else. Night and day I dream of the future and not just the ideals. I dream of grocery shopping, her trying to pay bills but because of her numeric dyslexia I have to take over, coming home from work and her filling the house with smoke trying to cook so I just smile and kiss her and help her fix it the best we can, the final month of pregnancy where I'm still struggling to be active but her making me rest, the pain of giving birth and her there holding my hand, the long tireless nights pacing the hall trying to get our first born to sleep, falling asleep with the baby between us, the first words, steps, her giving birth to our twin girls (I'm allowed to pray), having to go through everything all over again, growing old watching out kids go through school and leave home, us, after 50 years of marriage and her still being the most wonderful, loving, and beautiful woman possible. Don't tell me that's not love.I found out her family hates me. I've done my best to be a good woman so they will be happy that their daughter has found someone good for her. Her parents probably hate me because I'm a woman and her best friend probably hates me cause she isn't the main woman in her life. I desperatly want her family to accept me. Though they don't know we are partnered they just think we are still dating. I don't know what to do.Sometimes I just want to dissapear and leave her to her own life. Maybe she could find someone who would be better for her then I. Someone who can provide for her, care for her. She deserves so much better then uneducated creaton writing this. Maybe I should drive her away so she can find someone else. I'll just watch from afar, clutching my scrapbook, keeping a candle lit, and becoming celebate, for if I lose her I will never love anyone again let alone give my body to anyone. I could go buy land somewhere, have a small cabin, some sheep, cattle, chicken, horses, and dogs. Sell the wool, milk, eggs and offspring I don't need for the money. I just may do that. After all, she does deserve better.
Thoughts rented (and never owned) at 10:56 AM